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Logically, love makes no sense. It isn't governed by thoughts that make complete sense to who you are as a person, it's a bunch of emotions combined into one to show complete care for another thing, person, or place. We don't look at another person and have them breathe as a separate entity, and all too often compare them with the expectations we have for them and "us" in a relationship.
I feel there are many different stages of this thing we use one word to classify it under. Obsession is apart of the equation. Adoration. Endearment. So many other things combine and make this wild and uncontrollable feeling that compels to refinement or destroys. I theorize love because no one can truly explain it and feel like it another human. We can talk, have different experiences, but our backgrounds and everything that has made you who you are, are an influence on such an aspect that our media and society has romanticized as the greatest feeling out there. Diving into human emotion is like looking into a train wreck. Love is like the penny in the legend that has derailed the oncoming transport. They say it doesn't work like that... but all too often, this analogy seems to fit.
I'm going to write something here that has been bugging me. It's something I did say, but I feel like it wasn't ever listened to...
"I love you, but I can't be with you. Your priorities are no where near mine. What I need are things you never could give to me or put no value into even if I stressed that point that I was veering off in a different direction. I'm proud of you because not having a relationship allowed us to move onward in our lives we had substantially hindered just to be together. Congratulations on finishing school.
You know that 2 month period where I gave you to improve upon things and you gave me absolutely nothing, but I tried my damndest to improve everything you hated about me? I kind of knew then. I didn't want to face it... and every word of hope you gave me with, "I swear I'm trying" I had faith that you would. Truth is, you didn't really want to for yourself or for "us" but I still blindly followed because you were the best thing in my life even if we weren't perfect. You loved me on an emotional level and I understood that. I never thought I could stand just a completely emotional relationship without the other things... but I did and you taught me I could... but that wasn't really enough for me yet you knew it.
It still pisses me off that I was completely broken at one point and all you could do was cry about material you'd never see again while I felt myself melt away from the inside on the couch. It pisses me off because I really should have known and left earlier to save myself and you the time, but it really hit me after that. I still surprise myself that even though I was shattered I got up, I came to YOUR rescue when all it was was a money thing. Even after I told you how much it fucked me up when you said, "without me you'd have nothing nice".
So when it came right down to it, you knew it was coming to a close. I quit being willing to live with someone I knew wasn't going to budge, or try. I stopped telling you I loved you. It was all about the appearance and not about the core values... which I found out appearance was your main core value. It's funny... because I didn't take your feelings into consideration from the feeling of damage the final blow had dealt. All the times we had to hide who we were in front of family, "friends", anyone who asked unless you had a couple drinks in you... I'll never do that again. The lack of intimacy except for holding each other in bed unless you somehow got jealous and wanted to claim me... Truth is... I didn't even need it that often, and you would think only seeing each other 2 days out of a week would make up for some of that, but it never did. I could've been your casual friend and gotten close to the same treatment... only did I know that after you told me about some other guy before me.
I let you know everything. The lies, the bullshit... even who I was when no one was around or looking but I never really got to you without any resistance. Not saying I was the easiest to deal with... but when it came down to my curiosity of everything you've done, and everything you've ever been, I was met with anger when all I had was questions. To be honest, I never felt like I was treated fair and you didn't really seem to care. It was your way, all the time. Even on my birthday it was your friends wants over mine.
The sickest part about it? I still have feelings for you. I really tried to play it off and move on fast and it felt like I did for a while, but I've gone no where. And now that you've told me you have, I'm shocked. You wore me down. Wait, strike that, reverse it. I let you wear on me. I didn't do things because I relied on someone else. I tried to stay off of your bad side all the time. Changed who I was to accommodate another person in hope to eventually see a happy ending... but it wasn't happy for me. It was only happy for you. So when I said that and all I got back was a, "I know we're not doing great but these problems are nothing that a major relationship has" I knew it was bullshit. WE were a real relationship, but I guess I was the only one to see it that way even though you claimed I never said "us"... How can you when you're always referred to as the lesser half and your partner doesn't see value in what you want?
If I could reprogram you, I would."
Love really isn't fair.
The Interlude
"Cause there's nothing worse than a bird with wings who doesn't...
Flllllllllllllllllllllllyyyyyyyyy!"
- Buddy Nielson
Flllllllllllllllllllllllyyyyyyyyy!"
- Buddy Nielson
Pulling the Trigger
I have a theory, and in this theory, we're all in the control of guns.
Stay with me, this theory divulges itself to the assumption that we all carry dangerous weapons and don't really think about it, or think about it so much that we actually can't even shoot.
The fatal move is your mouth. Time and time again it proves that an opinion can be deadly. What I propose to you is that, God never wanted a war. People want a war in the name of God. A kiss can be deadly and make someone think something could possibly be there's when it was never even in the same vicinity. The words and mind behind the mouth are deadlier, however, if some of the words were never spoken...would they be as efficient in demolishing our own dying breed?
Intellectually I know what the rebuttal is of this entire thing, and it's not the mouth that's the deadly part, it really is the brain and mind behind it. Now, I agree with this, but a mind cannot talk.
The Adrian Escape Plan
So we all know I live in a hell hole right?
Oh, well, if you didn't. I live in a city called "Adrian". Nice name, not horrible town, but it's waning and dying off.
Recently I received my letter from the government loaning offices saying my Grace Period ends 4/1/09. Not horrible, but I will be paying for 87 months. I can only hope to find a job that can somehow not screw me over like my last few and give me some normal hours. To deplete my debt faster I've come up with some ca-ca-mamey scheme's, none of which are very feasible. I can only sell my body some place so long before my luck would run out and I'd get caught for prostituting. Or I'd try getting prostitutes and selling their body parts on the black market but I really really don't deal well with blood. I also thought about drug trafficking among other illegal this and I'm pretty sure I'm screwed.
Hmmm. I'm pretty sure when an epic idea, or I somehow actually get out of this dump happens, I'll edit and put in that info too, but for now. Adios!
Oh, well, if you didn't. I live in a city called "Adrian". Nice name, not horrible town, but it's waning and dying off.
Recently I received my letter from the government loaning offices saying my Grace Period ends 4/1/09. Not horrible, but I will be paying for 87 months. I can only hope to find a job that can somehow not screw me over like my last few and give me some normal hours. To deplete my debt faster I've come up with some ca-ca-mamey scheme's, none of which are very feasible. I can only sell my body some place so long before my luck would run out and I'd get caught for prostituting. Or I'd try getting prostitutes and selling their body parts on the black market but I really really don't deal well with blood. I also thought about drug trafficking among other illegal this and I'm pretty sure I'm screwed.
Hmmm. I'm pretty sure when an epic idea, or I somehow actually get out of this dump happens, I'll edit and put in that info too, but for now. Adios!
Profound Thoughts on Human Sexuality
Where do we exactly draw the line for human sexuality and how does it develop?
If you can think back from as far as you remember, you can think of your first crushes. Now, go BEFORE that and hit somewhere before 5th grade (most common grade for a kid to realize their sexuality). Some of the most interesting conversations have been with random friends who ponder the same things.
The "Switch".
How did the switch go off and say, "Hey! You're straight!" or "Hey! You like the same gender!"? I theorize it's not just what they think of as a chemical imbalance, but within our genetic code. What I mean by this is when we were younger we had different colored hair right? Maybe different features, or even for some of us different colored eyes, but as we grew older and the gene's started to grow and mutate along with our developmental state. What if the switch was just turned on. It could be along with this "imbalance", but I find that to be extremely awkward too, because even in tests where they gave a homosexual the right chemicals to sustain a "normal" level of neurons/protons/electrons in their brain, they didn't turn heterosexual.
The Slot Machine of Lust/Love.
Now I introduce the fact that most humans have a Russian Roulette type they will go for. If put together right, no matter the gender of the person, they will instantly want to get to know more.
Say you go for someone LIKE me, Piercings, but presentable. You adore the fetish of piercings or think they're really cool, but you meet me and are like, "Nah, I don't like YOUR look, I'd want someone more...*insert random category here*." Then I think about it, and what about people who look nice, but are dead behind the eyes, or given up on ambitions. You could find them physically attractive, but completely un-dateable except for sex. I theorize no matter who you are, you have this spontaneous selectiveness of what you like in a person and the qualities you want.
Continuing with this thought, when you look a certain way, I think expectations get changed around quite a bit. For lust, it seems to not matter as muchfor a lot of people if they just want to get off for pleasure and not for passion. For sustainable relationships there has to be another fire there. The expectations I speak of are people with kids, not exactly "visually appealing" people, or people with drug/alcohol problems. Not being offensive by the visually appealing, there are ways to keep yourself up, but if there are circumstances beyond your control, a kick ass attitude or personality can easily outweigh stuff such as them. Now, anyways, facing these "issues" I think that a person who can still love that other for who they are should be able to pick themselves out of the stigma's laid upon them. Attractiveness plays a continuous role in all of this of course, because let's face it, we have been living in the age of eclectic imagery and vanity.
On the flip side of the expectations, we have vanity and greed. Those whom are rich and only want to be with someone who is rich. Or those who know they are attractive and will only go with who they see as attractive. Not to say anything's wrong with that, but to be honest, if you're not looking for the soul, the mind, and what's behind the eyes instead of verbal defecation even players can say...you're kind of on a crash course for lust only.
-Stopped Blogging at 9:56. Will continue later.
If you can think back from as far as you remember, you can think of your first crushes. Now, go BEFORE that and hit somewhere before 5th grade (most common grade for a kid to realize their sexuality). Some of the most interesting conversations have been with random friends who ponder the same things.
The "Switch".
How did the switch go off and say, "Hey! You're straight!" or "Hey! You like the same gender!"? I theorize it's not just what they think of as a chemical imbalance, but within our genetic code. What I mean by this is when we were younger we had different colored hair right? Maybe different features, or even for some of us different colored eyes, but as we grew older and the gene's started to grow and mutate along with our developmental state. What if the switch was just turned on. It could be along with this "imbalance", but I find that to be extremely awkward too, because even in tests where they gave a homosexual the right chemicals to sustain a "normal" level of neurons/protons/electrons in their brain, they didn't turn heterosexual.
The Slot Machine of Lust/Love.
Now I introduce the fact that most humans have a Russian Roulette type they will go for. If put together right, no matter the gender of the person, they will instantly want to get to know more.
Say you go for someone LIKE me, Piercings, but presentable. You adore the fetish of piercings or think they're really cool, but you meet me and are like, "Nah, I don't like YOUR look, I'd want someone more...*insert random category here*." Then I think about it, and what about people who look nice, but are dead behind the eyes, or given up on ambitions. You could find them physically attractive, but completely un-dateable except for sex. I theorize no matter who you are, you have this spontaneous selectiveness of what you like in a person and the qualities you want.
Continuing with this thought, when you look a certain way, I think expectations get changed around quite a bit. For lust, it seems to not matter as muchfor a lot of people if they just want to get off for pleasure and not for passion. For sustainable relationships there has to be another fire there. The expectations I speak of are people with kids, not exactly "visually appealing" people, or people with drug/alcohol problems. Not being offensive by the visually appealing, there are ways to keep yourself up, but if there are circumstances beyond your control, a kick ass attitude or personality can easily outweigh stuff such as them. Now, anyways, facing these "issues" I think that a person who can still love that other for who they are should be able to pick themselves out of the stigma's laid upon them. Attractiveness plays a continuous role in all of this of course, because let's face it, we have been living in the age of eclectic imagery and vanity.
On the flip side of the expectations, we have vanity and greed. Those whom are rich and only want to be with someone who is rich. Or those who know they are attractive and will only go with who they see as attractive. Not to say anything's wrong with that, but to be honest, if you're not looking for the soul, the mind, and what's behind the eyes instead of verbal defecation even players can say...you're kind of on a crash course for lust only.
-Stopped Blogging at 9:56. Will continue later.
I'm agnostic or an atheist. I have no morals and have no belief's.
I believe...
That one thing leads to another. Positive, or negative.
I believe...
Ignorance is not bliss, but a state of mind where naive-ity affects every verbally defecated thought that comes out of your mouth.
I believe...
That if you consider yourself better because you will only wear a certain something, you should have a facial tattoo that says, "Dumbass" written on your forehead.
I believe...
Underage drinking is not the problem, irresponsibility for one’s actions is.
I believe...
That everyone is looking for an escape from their realities.
I believe...
Once you see everyone as an equal without races, orientation, size, height, gender, life uncomplicate’s itself.
I believe...
Lies are a way to reveal us.
I believe...
No one is afraid of death, just the way we get there.
I believe...
The fear of sexuality is the fear of the unknown and not about exploration of any kind.
I believe...
Originality never died. People just have yet to evolve with it.
I believe...
We are a little bit of everything and everyone we have ever encountered and dealt with. We are all thieves of some kind.
I believe...
No one gets to pick who they are physically and mentally attracted to.
I believe...
That Rapists, Child Molesters, and Sexual Criminals of a demented kind should be kept on an Island in the middle of the Pacific where up and coming Swat members can train their incapacitating skills.
I believe...
Everyone has some sort of creativity somewhere, and some people never want to tap into it.
I believe...
True Love and True Lust are easy to tell apart. However, liking with just a huge infatuation isn't.
I believe...
That if you’re going to stare at a person with piercings/tattoos, at least smile when they look back at you being rude.
I believe...
That real handsomeness/beauty is truly in the mind of the person looking at you.
I believe...
Religion is wrongly misused instead of faith in humanity. Believing in yourself is much harder than believing in some sort of deity. Atheism, to me, is partially closed minded.
I believe...
Honesty right to someone’s face is harder than talking while they’re not around. I also believe you’re spineless if you have the audacity to say it while they’re not around and try to keep it secret.
I believe...
The imaginary lines people create within their heads need to fade away before we can accept each other for who we are and not by what we’ve done.
I believe...
You were not asked to be born into this world and you can completely defy everything "set up" for you and take your own path.
I believe...
Age is how you feel and act, not what your current years spent on earth are.
I believe...That we are the over medicated/self medicated generation who are dependent on certain drugs to get us by.
I believe...
Internet companionship means more to some people than real life because they don't connect enough with their real life cohorts.
I believe...
The facade put on by most people are for them to be more widely acceptable to bigger groups who really wouldn't like them for them.
I believe...
There is no such thing as "everything happens for a reason" but there is such a thing as coincidences.
I believe...
Thank you for calling Kohl's where you can expect great things! This is Trevor how may I help you?
I work in retail. Have since I was 16 and able to.
My current job has been my most grueling job to date, and not because of the work I do. For a job, it's not extremely physically demanding, but it is demanding in every other meaning of the word.
After working at Gamestop for almost a full year I wanted a way out, and here it was Kohl's. The group interview was a day before my 18th birthday and it went great...even though I went to it wearing a white t-shirt and plaid shorts. I signed a bunch of papers and a couple weeks later I put in my 2 weeks into Gamestop. I had no idea what I had just got myself into. Gamestop, after a couple months, would eventually need a Assistant Manager and the New Store Manager (whom I was escaping from). They would have been forced to put me up as it, making me the youngest Assistant Manager ever in our corporate history. The perks of the job are phenomenal if you take the initiatives...but this I would never get to see for myself.
Kohl's ended up being my punishment for making a poor job move decision. I got my call to come work as a freight member which was easy hours. 6AM to 11AM or later with a minimum of 15 hours a week. I thought, "The rest of my day would be clear!" and she had told me I had an orientation to attend a couple weeks later.
Less than 3 days later I am called to start work without ever having my orientation. Low and behold I walked into chaos and only one person I recognized from my group interview(Mary) was there. Unlike other people, I was not given a locker, I was just supposed to be cheap labor before the store opened and not be a permanent person. I wasn't ever told this, but this conclusion could not be refuted when I put it all back together now. I was thrown to the dogs of the backroom. Older people fighting over where to put stuff, the head supervisor/managers saying one thing and then doing another. They tell me to start throwing the truck which I had no problem of doing until I turned wrong one time, and there went my back. I had pulled my entire back. I limped off the truck and asked what I could do. Doing menial work while hoping my back gets better quick, I meet a guy who is around the same age as me, and didn't have an orientation either. Hearing this, the 2nd in command manager Doug told us to meet him in the back training room in the office to get a run through. As I sat down in the chair I could not get comfortable. My back was throbbing and I sat there helpless. Once it got to the "report injuries to your employer" part of the video my ears opened like floodgates and I instantly asked for an accident report. After filling it out, Doug said to me, "Don't come back."
What he didn't know is I had to. The next morning, just as early as the last I went into work and showed prevalence or stupidity and kept my job for another day. My back was still in horrible condition and I gimped along, but I still had a job. Days went by and I never received proper training, or finishing my orientation. Eventually my back recovered and I went to doing another job called "Replenishing". It had been 2 to 3 weeks since I started and I got the hang of everything...but Doug walks up to me one day with a lady I had never met and says, "This is your boss." I extend my hand, introduce myself and begin to talk to her. She had just started the day before that. She was puzzled as to why she was my boss too. I liked her immediately. She laughed at my jokes and thought the way I said, "Steeks" instead of sticks was hilarious. What I didn't know, is about 2 weeks later she quit.
My body now in better shape, they moved me back to doing Freight. A lot of people had left because the overwhelming ego's were too much. There were a few I still liked within them. There was a librarian lady who was only doing the job until she could find a way to move up in her full-time job...nicest person in the back room. But obviously, the bad outweighed the good most of the time. There was a position Doug had put into everyone's head...and 2 people were especially gunning for it. That equated fast into control freaks. His name was Anton, her name was Shelly. They're tempers flared largely because of this position neither one of them would ever get. Shelly on good days would ask me to do things, or would help me out...but most days she commanded and made you feel like dust...which in all honesty, everyone back there were treated as such. She had back up though which fed the fire. Anton wasn't much of a different story. He was angry emotional as all get-out. I will still remember the day me and his best friend at the place were working side by side on the freight belt. His friend was taking his sweet time while I tried diligently to get rid of a mixed box of items. He yelled down the belt, "It shouldn't take you 3 fucking minutes to get rid of one box!" Pissed off I just worked on as the people who heard it just looked at me. The next morning he apologized, THEN, took it back. "I shouldn't have said that. *other random talk* Actually. No. I'm glad I did say that. I take back my apology."
Put them both together, thinking they should get things done in different ways and eventually they exploded at each other. Somehow I got caught in the crossfire and was down to no hours a week because I got blamed for things I still cannot explain to this day. Eventually, I asked Doug and Wendy(The store manager) to hear me out. I've never been in a room so cold with lack of caring for an employee. They gave me an excuse, after and excuse which I found out later...is all they do do right. It all came down to me saying something along the lines of, "I'm still a person when I come here. My feelings are supposed to leave at the door, but I refuse to be treated like shit and just another replaceable employee." A week later, I had hours...and Wendy called a meeting in the back room apologizing for looking at is in such a way that we were not people, just drones.
Ego's exploded over this "job". Eventually, Anton walked out in the middle of a shift, and Shelly lightened up a lot at the end of her days...and then quit because she wanted to be a stay at home mom when her husband got a better job. The greatest sigh of relief could not have been better, yet it was not over. Doug took over as supervisor as they searched for someone to actually be in place of them. There were maybe 7 original people left on the team of normally 14...but near the beginning about 32. Everything was about "urgency" and "faster"! Doug had his favorites, and here's where I introduce 03, 3rd in command...Tami the manager.
Tami was a smaller woman, with a very fast walk, Beatles like hair-cut and the biggest weirdest eyes that look like they had no eye-lids I ever did see. Her voice was so piercing it still haunts me. When I talk about people who are stickler for rules, I often think of her. I wore jeans, because I was told by Doug and Wendy I could...and she flipped. Anyways, this is a tangent.
Tami also had her own ideas about how our store and employee's were supposed to act or do things. I applied for the position of Freight Supervisor but never got a interview. I was just a joke. Before she left, she and Doug implemented a seemingly nice woman from our Register Supervisor's become our Freight Supervisor also named Tammy. Tami the manager left to a store in Perrysburg not to be heard from again.
Tammy at first was really cool. She joked, she had fun, she knew we couldn't always get our giant workload done to corporate satisfaction...because honestly, our corporation expects everyone to be a robot and fit ungodly time frames, but she was realistic. Apparently, after a while, she was pressured to make us work harder and crack the whip quite a bit. She quickly turned into a passive aggressive person too. Before any problems between me and her started, she noticed I had been busting my ass to get things done and do them correctly with precision. I often worked every opportunity and thought I was finally getting the pay off from quitting Gamestop. I was a fool. Pressure had gotten to her from the higher ranks and she was cracking, fast. She would scream and yell, "C'mon guys! Faster! We need to be done by this time!" and I would continue to buck myself up, swallow the knife and go at it my fastest. A few weeks, or months went by with this reign and it finally broke me one day when I realized she wasn't working her hardest, but other people were there's. Another notoriously lazy person who somehow got high in the ranks named Alicia was helping cut boxes on the truck one day. Well they struck up a conversation and the conversation was a lot better than doing work, because my supervisor sat her hand on a box and walked with it. 1 box gone from my end...I look up and she's laughing. 2nd box off the line and she hasn't moved an inch, still talking. 3, 4, 5 boxes later and I say loudly, "Hey! What're you doing?" And I get the response of, "Waiting for this box to get down the line." And I cock my head, look at her puzzlingly and say, "You tell us to go faster and we have a deadline to meet and yet you can't pick up a box and put it away?" Apparently that struck Alicia wrong too, because they talked while I wasn't around...even though I was in the right to say what I did, it was me against 2 Supervisors because lord knows no one else will defend another person there for their lives or persecution. I was quickly pulled to the side and reprimanded, but that did not stop the way that I felt...and apparently the way I was getting treated would soon see it's biggest hit yet.
Ignorantly I had let other co-workers add me on Myspace and had everything possible public...because that's just who I am. I would rather people see inside my head than wonder their life. Well, one of them took it too far. I came home from that day and posted a bulletin about how I really disliked my job. The people putting others as decoy's and not taking responsibility for who they were and how they worked. I didn't put last names, or names at all, just said "certain supervisors." It was venting, but I had no one to talk to. My hours were the exact opposite of all of my friends so everyone was asleep. The person from my work who was on my friends list at the time, Heather, who just so happened to be one of the people who has responsibilities but will pawn them off onto others so if it's not done right, she won't get the blame for it...*ahem* went back to our work later that day, approached my supervisors, told her I was spreading a lot of stuff around the internet about her and then went to Doug and Wendy and said I was violating confidentiality. She flat out lied and said I used names and said a bunch of things I didn't say. Next time I worked I looked at the schedule to see my name gone. A new guy had already been hired too, and I looked around. At first I thought maybe a fluke was going on...but then I realized after 1 week of having no hours, 1 week of being off the schedule and talking to Doug, something else was going on behind the scenes. He told me to come in certain days to work even though I wasn't on schedule, so in essence, he was helping save my job too, but I was underneath the radar completely. His words were, "Next time I talk to Wendy I'll see what's up." A friend of mine who still works with me named Zach knew what had went on and one day heard over his radio that Wendy was on Line 1 for Doug. He ran across the store to get me and said over the radio, "Make sure to talk to Wendy about Trevor," and he got the response back of, "Oh....yeah." Minutes passed and Doug came back with, "Have Trevor meet me in Men's Fold." Minutes later at the end of my shift I appeared and he said, "Well, you have your job back. But you're "The Problem". Wendy said to me, "If you want to keep the problem, then it's all on you." You'll be back on the schedule soon."
I had never fought for a job so hard in my life. A week later I had another meeting with Wendy and Doug. They tried their mean faces but the shit doesn't work with me, I should know, my mom used it all my life. The meeting didn't go over so hot, but I was still there. A couple weeks later after having maybe 4 hours a week I hear they're looking for members on another team, the exact opposite of my current schedule. The team was called Ad-Set and was a whole different group of people. Tensions had run high for long enough and I approached Doug about switching. After warning Cristy, my soon to be new supervisor, she took me in anyways. For a while, I was working from 9PM to 1AM, then going back in at 6AM till whenever. The new team was something way different. It was still female dominated, but I was the ONLY guy. People when I joined were already leaving left and right. The hours weren't right or they were getting other jobs which was great for them, but I can't even remember 4 of them that I met maybe 3 times. I still had yet to get properly trained on any job I worked in the store, but this one I caught onto quickly, so quickly that the team had never ran smoother. I had taken over an entire area with 1-2 extra area's to spare by the end of the night and completing them all...something no one else had ever done. I became an asset, quick. One of my worst qualities came out when I first started this kind of work...since I had caught on so quick and knew I was vital, I became mini Supervisor Two. Sometimes when people would ask Cristy questions I would answer before her. I know how annoying that could be, but general knowledge is sort of my thing and it's hard to stop it. I got so good at my job that things became jokes, and I was just saying things to say things because I was honestly bored. I had a snappy comeback for everything whether it be related anywhere along the lines of work. A couple weeks went by and I looked at my hours dwindling again...and soon I realized my supervisor wouldn't even ask me how my area's were going or would avoid contact with me at all. One night she asked me to follow her into the training room and began scolding me for being undermining of her power as supervisor. She then said when I would joke about not wanting to do extra area's such as Accessories/Handbags and Jewelry I should be fired for insubordination. Then it came right down to it in one of the line's she said. She often joked about random things and sometimes it was a sexual based, but not meant toward anyone comeback I would have...well apparently she had been having problems at home with her husband and that's what it boiled down to. The line was, "I don't appreciate your sexual come on's to me or comebacks. I don't know if you think they're funny, but to me, they're not funny. (says the person who always laughed at them anyways) Me and my Husband almost split up a little while ago and I take my relationship seriously." As if I actually wanted her...it still makes no sense. She contradicted herself a couple days later and told the new 2nd in command (Oh, I left this part out...Doug left and got his own store in Canton) "He would never want a fat old lady like me. I knew he was kidding." and then told me!
Eventually, she found a full-time job and left and cured that problem. With her leaving, she left the position for part-timer supervisor open...which could've left a nasty taste in a couple people's mouth's from our team, and even made one person quit because she didn't get it. Personally, it was looked at as the faster members (Me, Leeann or Rachel) to take the job, but they took someone who started maybe 2 months after me when I switched to Ad-Set named Matt because he had management experience elsewhere. This story continues, but I've even bored myself to death...
My current job has been my most grueling job to date, and not because of the work I do. For a job, it's not extremely physically demanding, but it is demanding in every other meaning of the word.
After working at Gamestop for almost a full year I wanted a way out, and here it was Kohl's. The group interview was a day before my 18th birthday and it went great...even though I went to it wearing a white t-shirt and plaid shorts. I signed a bunch of papers and a couple weeks later I put in my 2 weeks into Gamestop. I had no idea what I had just got myself into. Gamestop, after a couple months, would eventually need a Assistant Manager and the New Store Manager (whom I was escaping from). They would have been forced to put me up as it, making me the youngest Assistant Manager ever in our corporate history. The perks of the job are phenomenal if you take the initiatives...but this I would never get to see for myself.
Kohl's ended up being my punishment for making a poor job move decision. I got my call to come work as a freight member which was easy hours. 6AM to 11AM or later with a minimum of 15 hours a week. I thought, "The rest of my day would be clear!" and she had told me I had an orientation to attend a couple weeks later.
Less than 3 days later I am called to start work without ever having my orientation. Low and behold I walked into chaos and only one person I recognized from my group interview(Mary) was there. Unlike other people, I was not given a locker, I was just supposed to be cheap labor before the store opened and not be a permanent person. I wasn't ever told this, but this conclusion could not be refuted when I put it all back together now. I was thrown to the dogs of the backroom. Older people fighting over where to put stuff, the head supervisor/managers saying one thing and then doing another. They tell me to start throwing the truck which I had no problem of doing until I turned wrong one time, and there went my back. I had pulled my entire back. I limped off the truck and asked what I could do. Doing menial work while hoping my back gets better quick, I meet a guy who is around the same age as me, and didn't have an orientation either. Hearing this, the 2nd in command manager Doug told us to meet him in the back training room in the office to get a run through. As I sat down in the chair I could not get comfortable. My back was throbbing and I sat there helpless. Once it got to the "report injuries to your employer" part of the video my ears opened like floodgates and I instantly asked for an accident report. After filling it out, Doug said to me, "Don't come back."
What he didn't know is I had to. The next morning, just as early as the last I went into work and showed prevalence or stupidity and kept my job for another day. My back was still in horrible condition and I gimped along, but I still had a job. Days went by and I never received proper training, or finishing my orientation. Eventually my back recovered and I went to doing another job called "Replenishing". It had been 2 to 3 weeks since I started and I got the hang of everything...but Doug walks up to me one day with a lady I had never met and says, "This is your boss." I extend my hand, introduce myself and begin to talk to her. She had just started the day before that. She was puzzled as to why she was my boss too. I liked her immediately. She laughed at my jokes and thought the way I said, "Steeks" instead of sticks was hilarious. What I didn't know, is about 2 weeks later she quit.
My body now in better shape, they moved me back to doing Freight. A lot of people had left because the overwhelming ego's were too much. There were a few I still liked within them. There was a librarian lady who was only doing the job until she could find a way to move up in her full-time job...nicest person in the back room. But obviously, the bad outweighed the good most of the time. There was a position Doug had put into everyone's head...and 2 people were especially gunning for it. That equated fast into control freaks. His name was Anton, her name was Shelly. They're tempers flared largely because of this position neither one of them would ever get. Shelly on good days would ask me to do things, or would help me out...but most days she commanded and made you feel like dust...which in all honesty, everyone back there were treated as such. She had back up though which fed the fire. Anton wasn't much of a different story. He was angry emotional as all get-out. I will still remember the day me and his best friend at the place were working side by side on the freight belt. His friend was taking his sweet time while I tried diligently to get rid of a mixed box of items. He yelled down the belt, "It shouldn't take you 3 fucking minutes to get rid of one box!" Pissed off I just worked on as the people who heard it just looked at me. The next morning he apologized, THEN, took it back. "I shouldn't have said that. *other random talk* Actually. No. I'm glad I did say that. I take back my apology."
Put them both together, thinking they should get things done in different ways and eventually they exploded at each other. Somehow I got caught in the crossfire and was down to no hours a week because I got blamed for things I still cannot explain to this day. Eventually, I asked Doug and Wendy(The store manager) to hear me out. I've never been in a room so cold with lack of caring for an employee. They gave me an excuse, after and excuse which I found out later...is all they do do right. It all came down to me saying something along the lines of, "I'm still a person when I come here. My feelings are supposed to leave at the door, but I refuse to be treated like shit and just another replaceable employee." A week later, I had hours...and Wendy called a meeting in the back room apologizing for looking at is in such a way that we were not people, just drones.
Ego's exploded over this "job". Eventually, Anton walked out in the middle of a shift, and Shelly lightened up a lot at the end of her days...and then quit because she wanted to be a stay at home mom when her husband got a better job. The greatest sigh of relief could not have been better, yet it was not over. Doug took over as supervisor as they searched for someone to actually be in place of them. There were maybe 7 original people left on the team of normally 14...but near the beginning about 32. Everything was about "urgency" and "faster"! Doug had his favorites, and here's where I introduce 03, 3rd in command...Tami the manager.
Tami was a smaller woman, with a very fast walk, Beatles like hair-cut and the biggest weirdest eyes that look like they had no eye-lids I ever did see. Her voice was so piercing it still haunts me. When I talk about people who are stickler for rules, I often think of her. I wore jeans, because I was told by Doug and Wendy I could...and she flipped. Anyways, this is a tangent.
Tami also had her own ideas about how our store and employee's were supposed to act or do things. I applied for the position of Freight Supervisor but never got a interview. I was just a joke. Before she left, she and Doug implemented a seemingly nice woman from our Register Supervisor's become our Freight Supervisor also named Tammy. Tami the manager left to a store in Perrysburg not to be heard from again.
Tammy at first was really cool. She joked, she had fun, she knew we couldn't always get our giant workload done to corporate satisfaction...because honestly, our corporation expects everyone to be a robot and fit ungodly time frames, but she was realistic. Apparently, after a while, she was pressured to make us work harder and crack the whip quite a bit. She quickly turned into a passive aggressive person too. Before any problems between me and her started, she noticed I had been busting my ass to get things done and do them correctly with precision. I often worked every opportunity and thought I was finally getting the pay off from quitting Gamestop. I was a fool. Pressure had gotten to her from the higher ranks and she was cracking, fast. She would scream and yell, "C'mon guys! Faster! We need to be done by this time!" and I would continue to buck myself up, swallow the knife and go at it my fastest. A few weeks, or months went by with this reign and it finally broke me one day when I realized she wasn't working her hardest, but other people were there's. Another notoriously lazy person who somehow got high in the ranks named Alicia was helping cut boxes on the truck one day. Well they struck up a conversation and the conversation was a lot better than doing work, because my supervisor sat her hand on a box and walked with it. 1 box gone from my end...I look up and she's laughing. 2nd box off the line and she hasn't moved an inch, still talking. 3, 4, 5 boxes later and I say loudly, "Hey! What're you doing?" And I get the response of, "Waiting for this box to get down the line." And I cock my head, look at her puzzlingly and say, "You tell us to go faster and we have a deadline to meet and yet you can't pick up a box and put it away?" Apparently that struck Alicia wrong too, because they talked while I wasn't around...even though I was in the right to say what I did, it was me against 2 Supervisors because lord knows no one else will defend another person there for their lives or persecution. I was quickly pulled to the side and reprimanded, but that did not stop the way that I felt...and apparently the way I was getting treated would soon see it's biggest hit yet.
Ignorantly I had let other co-workers add me on Myspace and had everything possible public...because that's just who I am. I would rather people see inside my head than wonder their life. Well, one of them took it too far. I came home from that day and posted a bulletin about how I really disliked my job. The people putting others as decoy's and not taking responsibility for who they were and how they worked. I didn't put last names, or names at all, just said "certain supervisors." It was venting, but I had no one to talk to. My hours were the exact opposite of all of my friends so everyone was asleep. The person from my work who was on my friends list at the time, Heather, who just so happened to be one of the people who has responsibilities but will pawn them off onto others so if it's not done right, she won't get the blame for it...*ahem* went back to our work later that day, approached my supervisors, told her I was spreading a lot of stuff around the internet about her and then went to Doug and Wendy and said I was violating confidentiality. She flat out lied and said I used names and said a bunch of things I didn't say. Next time I worked I looked at the schedule to see my name gone. A new guy had already been hired too, and I looked around. At first I thought maybe a fluke was going on...but then I realized after 1 week of having no hours, 1 week of being off the schedule and talking to Doug, something else was going on behind the scenes. He told me to come in certain days to work even though I wasn't on schedule, so in essence, he was helping save my job too, but I was underneath the radar completely. His words were, "Next time I talk to Wendy I'll see what's up." A friend of mine who still works with me named Zach knew what had went on and one day heard over his radio that Wendy was on Line 1 for Doug. He ran across the store to get me and said over the radio, "Make sure to talk to Wendy about Trevor," and he got the response back of, "Oh....yeah." Minutes passed and Doug came back with, "Have Trevor meet me in Men's Fold." Minutes later at the end of my shift I appeared and he said, "Well, you have your job back. But you're "The Problem". Wendy said to me, "If you want to keep the problem, then it's all on you." You'll be back on the schedule soon."
I had never fought for a job so hard in my life. A week later I had another meeting with Wendy and Doug. They tried their mean faces but the shit doesn't work with me, I should know, my mom used it all my life. The meeting didn't go over so hot, but I was still there. A couple weeks later after having maybe 4 hours a week I hear they're looking for members on another team, the exact opposite of my current schedule. The team was called Ad-Set and was a whole different group of people. Tensions had run high for long enough and I approached Doug about switching. After warning Cristy, my soon to be new supervisor, she took me in anyways. For a while, I was working from 9PM to 1AM, then going back in at 6AM till whenever. The new team was something way different. It was still female dominated, but I was the ONLY guy. People when I joined were already leaving left and right. The hours weren't right or they were getting other jobs which was great for them, but I can't even remember 4 of them that I met maybe 3 times. I still had yet to get properly trained on any job I worked in the store, but this one I caught onto quickly, so quickly that the team had never ran smoother. I had taken over an entire area with 1-2 extra area's to spare by the end of the night and completing them all...something no one else had ever done. I became an asset, quick. One of my worst qualities came out when I first started this kind of work...since I had caught on so quick and knew I was vital, I became mini Supervisor Two. Sometimes when people would ask Cristy questions I would answer before her. I know how annoying that could be, but general knowledge is sort of my thing and it's hard to stop it. I got so good at my job that things became jokes, and I was just saying things to say things because I was honestly bored. I had a snappy comeback for everything whether it be related anywhere along the lines of work. A couple weeks went by and I looked at my hours dwindling again...and soon I realized my supervisor wouldn't even ask me how my area's were going or would avoid contact with me at all. One night she asked me to follow her into the training room and began scolding me for being undermining of her power as supervisor. She then said when I would joke about not wanting to do extra area's such as Accessories/Handbags and Jewelry I should be fired for insubordination. Then it came right down to it in one of the line's she said. She often joked about random things and sometimes it was a sexual based, but not meant toward anyone comeback I would have...well apparently she had been having problems at home with her husband and that's what it boiled down to. The line was, "I don't appreciate your sexual come on's to me or comebacks. I don't know if you think they're funny, but to me, they're not funny. (says the person who always laughed at them anyways) Me and my Husband almost split up a little while ago and I take my relationship seriously." As if I actually wanted her...it still makes no sense. She contradicted herself a couple days later and told the new 2nd in command (Oh, I left this part out...Doug left and got his own store in Canton) "He would never want a fat old lady like me. I knew he was kidding." and then told me!
Eventually, she found a full-time job and left and cured that problem. With her leaving, she left the position for part-timer supervisor open...which could've left a nasty taste in a couple people's mouth's from our team, and even made one person quit because she didn't get it. Personally, it was looked at as the faster members (Me, Leeann or Rachel) to take the job, but they took someone who started maybe 2 months after me when I switched to Ad-Set named Matt because he had management experience elsewhere. This story continues, but I've even bored myself to death...
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