'cause when a heart breaks, no it don't break even...

Logically, love makes no sense. It isn't governed by thoughts that make complete sense to who you are as a person, it's a bunch of emotions combined into one to show complete care for another thing, person, or place. We don't look at another person and have them breathe as a separate entity, and all too often compare them with the expectations we have for them and "us" in a relationship.

I feel there are many different stages of this thing we use one word to classify it under. Obsession is apart of the equation. Adoration. Endearment. So many other things combine and make this wild and uncontrollable feeling that compels to refinement or destroys. I theorize love because no one can truly explain it and feel like it another human. We can talk, have different experiences, but our backgrounds and everything that has made you who you are, are an influence on such an aspect that our media and society has romanticized as the greatest feeling out there. Diving into human emotion is like looking into a train wreck. Love is like the penny in the legend that has derailed the oncoming transport. They say it doesn't work like that... but all too often, this analogy seems to fit.

I'm going to write something here that has been bugging me. It's something I did say, but I feel like it wasn't ever listened to...




"I love you, but I can't be with you. Your priorities are no where near mine. What I need are things you never could give to me or put no value into even if I stressed that point that I was veering off in a different direction. I'm proud of you because not having a relationship allowed us to move onward in our lives we had substantially hindered just to be together. Congratulations on finishing school.

You know that 2 month period where I gave you to improve upon things and you gave me absolutely nothing, but I tried my damndest to improve everything you hated about me? I kind of knew then. I didn't want to face it... and every word of hope you gave me with, "I swear I'm trying" I had faith that you would. Truth is, you didn't really want to for yourself or for "us" but I still blindly followed because you were the best thing in my life even if we weren't perfect. You loved me on an emotional level and I understood that. I never thought I could stand just a completely emotional relationship without the other things... but I did and you taught me I could... but that wasn't really enough for me yet you knew it.

It still pisses me off that I was completely broken at one point and all you could do was cry about material you'd never see again while I felt myself melt away from the inside on the couch. It pisses me off because I really should have known and left earlier to save myself and you the time, but it really hit me after that. I still surprise myself that even though I was shattered I got up, I came to YOUR rescue when all it was was a money thing. Even after I told you how much it fucked me up when you said, "without me you'd have nothing nice".

So when it came right down to it, you knew it was coming to a close. I quit being willing to live with someone I knew wasn't going to budge, or try. I stopped telling you I loved you. It was all about the appearance and not about the core values... which I found out appearance was your main core value. It's funny... because I didn't take your feelings into consideration from the feeling of damage the final blow had dealt. All the times we had to hide who we were in front of family, "friends", anyone who asked unless you had a couple drinks in you... I'll never do that again. The lack of intimacy except for holding each other in bed unless you somehow got jealous and wanted to claim me... Truth is... I didn't even need it that often, and you would think only seeing each other 2 days out of a week would make up for some of that, but it never did. I could've been your casual friend and gotten close to the same treatment... only did I know that after you told me about some other guy before me.

I let you know everything. The lies, the bullshit... even who I was when no one was around or looking but I never really got to you without any resistance. Not saying I was the easiest to deal with... but when it came down to my curiosity of everything you've done, and everything you've ever been, I was met with anger when all I had was questions. To be honest, I never felt like I was treated fair and you didn't really seem to care. It was your way, all the time. Even on my birthday it was your friends wants over mine.

The sickest part about it? I still have feelings for you. I really tried to play it off and move on fast and it felt like I did for a while, but I've gone no where. And now that you've told me you have, I'm shocked. You wore me down. Wait, strike that, reverse it. I let you wear on me. I didn't do things because I relied on someone else. I tried to stay off of your bad side all the time. Changed who I was to accommodate another person in hope to eventually see a happy ending... but it wasn't happy for me. It was only happy for you. So when I said that and all I got back was a, "I know we're not doing great but these problems are nothing that a major relationship has" I knew it was bullshit. WE were a real relationship, but I guess I was the only one to see it that way even though you claimed I never said "us"... How can you when you're always referred to as the lesser half and your partner doesn't see value in what you want?
If I could reprogram you, I would."



Love really isn't fair.